the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
