If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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