He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
