Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
