be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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