first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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