"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
