i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
