Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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