We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
