sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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