so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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