My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
