Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
