he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize