Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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