Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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