Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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