Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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