i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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