you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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