i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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