I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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