I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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