I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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