i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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