Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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