a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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