I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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