I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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