i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
