Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize