Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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