when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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