the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
tell me about the fingering
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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