Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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