I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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