Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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