So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
