yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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