Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
