Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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