I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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