I never want to see another naked old woman again.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
