she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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