Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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