Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Found your dick twin last night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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