I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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