My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
