Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
