I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
should my penis look like a turkey
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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