I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize