New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
