So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
