dude i'm inner monologue high
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you had me at cake vodka
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
