i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
