my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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