I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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