So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
