You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
