Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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