Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
