My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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